In-Laws

I have always heard a lot of interesting stories about in-laws throughout my life, but I never thought that I would have issues with in-laws. When my husband and I first started dating, I met his family and they were just the sweetest! As we kept dating, nothing made me think otherwise. There were a few times that I didn’t feel totally included, but I didn’t think much of it, and I figured that it would all change and I’d be treated more like family once we were married. The first several times that we visited my in-laws after we were married, I started feeling awkward and like I didn’t fit in with them. Nothing had changed from when we were dating like I thought it would. I didn’t, and still don’t, have the same interests as them, and it is just somewhat uncomfortable to be around sometimes. This week’s marriage readings have really helped me to see what I can do to improve my relationship with my in-laws, and also, how to be a good in-law from my end as well.

James M. Harper and Suzanne Frost Olsen teach us about some of the ways that we can develop better relationships with in-laws. Some of their suggestions are…

1. Calling your in-laws “mom” and “dad”
2. Communicating Regularly
3. Accepting each other’s differences and appreciating them
4. Setting Boundaries

These are great ways to improve your relationship with your in-laws if you don’t already have a good one. I am for sure going to start applying these, and see how they will help me feel. These are also things that I can apply to my future when I am a mother in-law. It is important to have a good relationship with your in-laws and do as much as you can to establish that relationship. They are family, and family relationships are especially important since you are sealed forever!

                                                  

Family and Couple Councils

Elder Ballard said, “I have had enough experience to know the value of councils. Hardly a day passes but that I see the wisdom, God’s wisdom, in creating councils… to govern his Kingdom. IN the spirit under with we labor, men can get together with seemingly divergent views and fair different backgrounds, and together they can arrive at an accord, and that accord… represents the wisdom of the council, acting under the Spirit.” Councils are clearly, very important in the church. They help with a lot of the decisions that have to be made, and they bring the spirit together.

Growing up, my family had “family councils” ALL the time. I remember often feeling annoyed by these frequent family councils, and dreaded when I’d hear my dad shout, “Kids, come to the living room for a family council!” I have five younger siblings, so we would often get in arguments, we wouldn’t obey our parents, we wouldn’t help my mom in the kitchen enough, we spent too much time playing games, watching tv, etc. and my dad used these family councils to help us understand that our behavior was wrong and that we needed to change. He always went about the discussion nicely, and he would share some of his own stories growing up. Sometimes for family councils, he would even pull out a white board and draw diagrams for us in order to get the point across. As my siblings and I got older, family councils didn’t happen nearly as often, but I look back on my childhood and I am grateful to my parents, specifically my dad, for holding those dreaded family councils. The councils helped us to stay on the right track, and helped us come to agreeing about what we should be doing differently.

This ties into marriage, because I truly believe that husbands and wives need to make decisions together and a wonderful way to do that, is by having a council. Rather than calling it a “Family Council,” it could be called a “Couple Council.” This council could be for couples to discuss what they can do better in their marriage, what they can do better as parents, or discuss what they are doing well together. It is important to be unified in the decisions made, or the topics discussed. President Gordon B. Hinckley has taught: “In this Church the man neither walks ahead of his wife nor behind his wife but at her side. They are coequals.”  Dr. Richard B. Miller said, “In your family when there is a decision to be made that affects everyone, you and your wife together will seek whatever counsel you might need and together you will prayerfully come to a unified decision.” I believe that holding “Couple Councils” are more important than holding “Family Councils” because as long as the husband and wife are making decisions together and are agreeing together, then the foundation will be sturdy enough to bring the rest of the family into the discussion.

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2016-12-015-family-councils?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.

Attached is a short video from Elder Ballard about councils in a family. 

Intimacy in Marriage

In Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, he lists the steps that lead to unfaithfulness in marriage. The list is below.

1. You start out by acting through innocent behaviors
2. You slowly develop feelings of affection
3. You flirt with no harmful intentions
4. You think of the relationship as being “special”
5. You go out of your way to make time for this “special” person
6. You make excuses and hide the “special” person from your spouse
7. You prefer to spend time with “special” person and replace your spouse with them
8. You start finding faults in your spouse
9. You start think about fantasies with the “special” person
10. You exchange some kind of physical touch or romance
11. You have sexual relations with the “special” person.

These steps really shocked me when I first read them. They totally make sense, but they are each so slight and start off being so harmless, but they can get out of hand very easily. Even though I haven’t experienced anything like this yet, this list is a good guideline and shows me what to watch out for. I also liked Goddard's analogy of the grass being greener where you water it. If we are watering someone else's grass and not our own, then it will appear to be greener and better. It is important to water our own marriages and relationships with our spouse than to put effort and energy into watering a relationship with somebody else. 

Not only is it important to avoid unfaithfulness, but it is also important to avoid selfishness when it comes to intimacy. President Howard W. Hunter said, “Tenderness and respect–never selfishness–must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the other’s needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord.” It is interesting how the Lord doesn’t just condemn sexual relations outside of marriage, but there are also things within marriage that are not okay. Richard G Scott also mentions this when he says, “Within marriage, however, the stimulations of those emotions can either be used as an end unto itself or to allow a couple to draw close in oneness through the beautiful, appropriate expression of these feelings between husband and wife. There are times, brethren, when you need to restrain you feelings. There are times when you need to allow their  full expression. Let the Lord guide you in ways that will enrich your marriage.” It is important to appreciate your spouse and show them that you love them. 

                                               

Looking for the Good in Your Spouse

It is so easy to pick out the faults of our spouse, but it is so detrimental to our relationships to do that. It causes us to make a habit of looking for the bad characteristics, when we should be looking for the good characteristics. In H. Wallace Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, he talks about charity in marriage and how important it is to see the good in your spouse.

He quotes Wendy Watson who says, “the best-kept secret in many marriages is the strengths spouses see in each other .... An interesting fact about commending your spouse is that the more you do it, the more you see in him or her to commend."

I actually have experienced this quote that she shared! When my husband and I were first married, I always wanted to do cute little things to surprise him and let him know how much I love him! I had an idea to make a jar filled with slips of paper that had good qualities on them. I came up with so many that I wrote down on a sheet of notebook paper first. After I started putting his “good qualities” into a jar, I realized I didn’t have enough to completely fill up the jar. I figured that over the next couple of days, I would be able to come up with more. I became so aware of amazing unique qualities that my husband has, that it was probably obnoxious! He would say something, or do something, and I would realize that it was a good quality that I could write down!

Making that list about my husband, was probably one of the best things I could have done for our marriage. Even though we weren’t in any kind of marital trouble at that time, it was still a fun activity for me to do, and I think it can be an anchor for me whenever I could possibly start to fall into the trap of only noticing the faults that my husband has. Treating our spouses like gold and seeing the best in them, can help us to be quicker to forgive them as well. Goddard says, “… we can be like Jesus, seeing beyond the burden of sin to a soul struggling to be better. We can, with Jesus, say, ‘I forgive you of mistakes, shortcomings, and humanness. I welcome you into the fellowship of my love.’”

                                                        

This is a picture of one of the times I wrote out a list of everything that I loved about my husband, and why he was the best!  

SACRIFICING FOR YOUR SPOUSE

A lot of the arguments that happen in marriages are often caused by a lack of sacrifice for the other spouse. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard talks about the importance of sacrifice in marriage. When describing mortal marriage, he says, “No partner on the face of the earth can meet all our needs. In mortality, we will live with disappointment. We can dwell on our discontent or we can celebrate the points of connection.” I really took this quote to heart. I can get upset at my husband for leaving his clothes on the floor, start an argument, and allow the spirit to leave our home, OR I can just pick up his clothes and nicely remind him to take care of them next time. It may require extra work on my part, but that is sacrifice, and it is necessary in marriage.

I play in the Symphony Orchestra with BYU-Idaho and I have many concerts throughout the semester. My sweet husband, who doesn’t always enjoy classical music, sacrifices his time to come support me. He is such a good example to me of someone who sacrifices for their spouse. He’s only sacrificing his time, but it means a lot to me, and shows me his love for me. It makes me feel more like I can sacrifice for him too.

Goddard quotes Kent Brooks and says, “Brother Kent Brooks of the BYU faculty of Church History and Doctrine observed: ‘Our capacity to love a spouse deeply and our ability to experience great joy in marriage are commensurate with the degree to which we are willing to suffer and hurt, to labor and toil, and to persevere through moments of unhappiness, stress, disappointment, and tests of our patience and love for our partners.’” I LOVE this quote! In the past, when one of my siblings was sick or going through a rough time, I would feel bad for them, tell them to get better, but I never put a crazy amount of effort into their issue. When my husband is sick or going through a rough time, I put that before anything else I have to do. I take care of him and help lift his spirits. I want him to know that I am there for him. My husband has treated me this way as well, and not only does it show our sacrifice for each other, but I believe it brings us closer together in our relationship.

Sacrificing and giving in our marriages, shows our love for our spouse. It helps us grow in our relationships. Goddard says, “Rather than carefully tracking every investment in our marriage, we give gladly and wholeheartedly. We give everything we have and are. And we ask God to increase our capacity so we can give yet more.”

                                                 

Pride in Marriage

Pride and humility in marriage is such an interesting thing. H. Wallace Goddard teaches a lot about humility in one chapter of his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. One quote that I really found interesting said, “Some years ago God taught me an ironic truth. I don't have the right to correct anyone I don't love. You see the irony! I am inclined to correct my partner when I don't feel loving. When I do feel loving, irritations roll off my soul like water on a duck's back.” After reading this quote, I realized that if we are always “feeling loving” towards our spouse, then we won’t ever feel inclined to criticize and correct them. We won’t try to find their faults, because all we will be able to see, is the goodness in them. I have noticed this in my own marriage. When my husband and I were very first married, nothing bothered me. I look back during that time now, and realize that there were several things that could have bothered me, but I would look at those annoyances with an attitude of “Oh silly Austin. He must have been in a rush or something.” If I was confronted with a possible annoyance, I would just jokingly roll my eyes, or shake my head and smile. I was so in love with my husband (and I still am!) that I didn’t see any of his actions or thoughts as being annoying to me. Now, if he leaves his clothes on the floor, I will get irritated and wonder why he can’t just pick up after himself. It is interesting how being in that “honeymoon phase” and thinking that your spouse is perfect, can change your mindset completely. After realizing this, it made me want to stay in my “honeymoon phase” forever! I want to consistently think of my spouse positively and lovingly even more often than I already do, so that without thought, I can react the way I did early on by simply rolling my eyes and just smiling or laughing.

One of the forms of pride, is selfishness. I feel that this is especially significant in marriage, because you and your spouse have to work together in all things, and not one individual can be selfish. President Benson says, “Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. ‘How everything affects me’ is the center of all that matters, self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification and self-seeking.” I think that one of the most dangerous things in a marriage is when one or both individuals are selfish. A marriage can’t happen unless two people work together, and if one or both individuals are selfish, they can’t completely work together. A quote by David Young that I heard a long time ago says, “If marriage doesn’t end your selfishness, your selfishness will end your marriage.”

Being aware of pride and humility in your marriage are essential to making it work.

                                               

The Gospel and Marriage

In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard says, “It takes faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to remove evil from our marriages and bring them to vibrant life.” I really liked this quote because I am a firm believer of having a strong marriage only through faith in Christ and being covenant keepers. When I was a teenager, I would often make lists that stated what I wanted in my future spouse. I, of course, had things such as handsome, smart, good sense of humor, etc. I remember ALWAYS having two specific things at the top of every list though. I always listed first, that he had to love God the most, more than me, and that he had to be a worthy priesthood holder. These have always been priorities to me, and I am lucky enough to have found a man that fulfills everything on my teenage lists! It is so important to build a marriage on faith in Jesus Christ though. Through Christ, we can overcome anything, and there are a lot of challenges that come and go in marriages. It would be really hard to do marriage alone without the Savior’s help. Goddard also said, “We cannot have great marriages without His participation.” That is such a simple sentence, but it means so much!

I also really like the story that Goddard shared about Brigham Young. He said, “Brigham Young was once approached by two sisters, each of whom wanted a divorce. I paraphrase his response: ‘If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him.’ He said the same thing to husbands who had "fallen out of love" with their wives. Those are mighty words.” I immediately related to this short story. It reminded me of how I see my husband when we go to the temple together. When we got sealed an we were kneeling across the alter from each other, I remember thinking that my very soon to be husband looked even more handsome than I had ever seen him before. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew that there was something different. Several months later, my husband and I decided to go do sealings at the temple rather than a session. This opportunity allowed me to see him that same way that I did on our wedding day. Each time we go to the temple together and do sealings, I fall in love with him even more. I can see him as a covenant maker there. I see him as having the same eternal goals as me. I see him as being a worthy, faithful priesthood holder who loves God more than me.

To close, I also really liked this quote by Goddard. He says, “When we try to drag our partners to our view of the world, they kick, fight, and scream. When, in contrast, we invite our partners to gaze with us on truths of eternity, we are more likely to find common ground. When we choose to love and appreciate our partners in spite of our differences, we open the door to love.” This idea of “gazing into the eternities” is such a special thing, and I feel like because of my experience of how I saw my husband across the alter, I can say that I have seen that special, open door to love.