Serving your Spouse

I have always understood that fondness and admiration are important in a marriage, but I don’t think I realized just how important it actually is. Dr John M. Gottman talks about different ways to show your admiration to your spouse. In his book, he talks about how sometimes when he tells couples to tell each other what they love about each other, they respond by telling him that it’s “phony” to do that. This especially stood out to me because my husband is so cheesy to me all the time, but I absolutely love it! If he falls on the ice or even just loses his balance, he always says things like, “Oh! I’m falling for you babe!” I think it is so cute, and it’s constantly showing me how he feels about me. I think it is so interesting that some couples don’t want to be “phony” or “cheesy” in front of their spouse. I personally feel like your spouse sees your worst and your best, so why can’t you show them your silly and goofy side too?

I also really enjoyed reading a chapter from a book about marriage this week. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard says, “Many of us find it easier to minister to the stranger than to the family member. Unexpected service to the stranger is often warmly appreciated. Service to family is expected and often goes unappreciated.” I’ve noticed this in my own marriage. There have been several times when my husband hadn’t thanked me for something I’d done for him, or something that just needed to be done in general. At first, this really upset me, but I found that if I was better about expressing my gratitude to him, he was better about expressing his gratitude to me. This helped both of us become more grateful, and it made serving the other person easier.

I feel that gratitude and admiration go together because if we want to show our fondness and admiration to our spouse, we have to serve them. Serving someone is a way that you can show that you love them. I love it when my husband gets up earlier in the morning than he has to, because he wants to make me breakfast before I leave. This is definitely his way of serving me, but it also lets me know how much he loves me each and every day. The acts of service don’t always have to be big. The small things are what matter the most!

It's totally okay and super fun to be cheesy and goofy with your spouse! 

Friendship in Marriage

My husband and I have only been married a little over a year, and have known each other just over two years. If I was asked whether our marriage was more on the positive spectrum or the negative spectrum, the answer would definitely be on the positive spectrum. Since we have been married, we haven’t had any real serious arguments, but we also are still in school and don’t have any children yet, so I used to say that our lives were pretty simple and that must be why we don’t really fight or disagree about anything.

After reading Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I realized that having crazy busy lives, having children and having real jobs, isn’t what can be the cause for challenges in a marriage. There are so many simple things that can become deep rooted in a relationship and can ruin it. Gottman discusses the four horsemen. The first one is criticism. The second one is contempt. The third one is defensiveness, and the fourth one is stonewalling. Each of these reactions are things that can be seen occasionally in marriages, even healthy and happy ones. If these horsemen are present regularly though, the relationship is in trouble.

When my husband and I do disagree about something small (something like going to the store right now versus going tomorrow), we disagree positively. We listen to each other’s points of view on the topic and then we make a decision. After reading about the different horsemen and the potential reactions that a person could have for any given situation, I realized anyone, even married, childless, college students can have a rough marriage if they are going about their disagreements the wrong way.

Another thing that I found interesting about Gottman’s book, was his belief on friendships in marriages. Before I got married, I always wanted to be best friends with my future husband. I wanted to have this “guy best friend” for a while before we decided we liked each other and we would start dating, and then eventually marry. I wanted to be that couple that had such a solid friendship as the base of their relationship. In my mind, that was the only way that your spouse could be your best friend. Although this was a good intention/goal of mine, what I didn’t realize, was that I could still have that, even if my future husband wasn’t my best friend before we started dating.

As you and your spouse get to know each other, and as you spend time together, you do become best friends. When my husband and I were dating, we had to do several months of long distance. As hard as it was, I think it was the best thing for our relationship. We were forced to take out the romance of our relationship and just talk for several months. Because of this, we came to learn so much about each other and we became best friends at heart, and not just because we physically liked spending time together. I think that it is so important to have the friendship basis that Gottman mentions, because when all else fails, you will have a solid foundation of friendship in your relationship.

Covenant Marriages

In order to have a covenant marriage, I think that it is important to keep God and the gospel, the center of your marriage. Doing this includes many different things. It is important to regularly attend the temple as a couple. Attending the temple together helps you remember your covenants and to remember what the focus of life is. It is also so important to pray together, and read scriptures together. This helps a couple to come closer together through gaining greater understandings of the gospel. It also helps them to grow their testimonies together. It is crucial to put God first in your marriage. If you aren’t putting God as the focus, you aren’t living a covenant marriage.

Along with living having a gospel-centered relationship, it is so important for spouses to find good in each other and to praise each other. In his Ensign article titled “Covenant Marriage,” Elder Bruce C. Hafen talks about three wolves that test and threaten marriages. The first wolf is natural adversity. The second wolf is their own imperfections, and the third wolf is excessive individualism. I think that the second wolf is detrimental in today’s society. It is so easy to get down on yourself because you “aren’t enough.” Having a spouse that won’t ride the negative parade that is in your head, is so important. As most people do, I have had self-conscious issues. I have felt that I wasn’t pretty enough, or that I wasn’t good enough. I’ve felt like I could’ve done so much better at something. Although some of our doubts might be true sometimes, it doesn’t help to have someone negatively agree with you. My husband is SO good to me. When I am feeling down because I am feeling like I’m not enough, he tells me why he loves me so much and why I am enough in his eyes. He helps me understand that I shouldn’t be self-conscious. It is important to recognize your imperfections and do your best to improve, but don’t let them get in the way of your marriage.

 I feel like this wolf about imperfections is so important because it can control the other ones. Natural adversity is another hard thing to deal with, but if you don’t have confidence in yourself and if you don’t love yourself, you are going to have a hard time dealing with other trials that are out of your control (such as a family member dying, a miscarriage, etc.). I think that the second wolf also controls the third one about excessive individualism because it helps you understand more your relationship with yourself, your spouse, and those around you.

David A. Bednar says, “The man completes and perfects the woman and the woman completes and perfects the man as they learn from and mutually strengthen and bless each other.” Men and women can complete and perfect each other in so many ways, whether that is spiritually or emotionally. In marriages, it is important to support each other and be positive to each other. It is important to put God first in your marriages ALWAYS and to help keep each other on track.

This is my husband and I on our wedding day. We made covenants with God that day that allowed us to be sealed for time and all eternity!

Same-Sex Marriage

The topic of same-sex marriage is a sensitive one, but it is so important. In these days, people who know the truth about marriage and what God wants it to be, really have to stand up for it. Men and women both bring different things in a marriage. They have different perspectives that allow each of them to succeed, especially in raising a family. Around the world, people are rewriting marriage. Judges and justices are arguing that marriage between two men or two women is okay and that there isn’t anything wrong with that. Because intelligent officials are saying these things, people are trusting them and agreeing with them. This can be clearly seen in the Obergefell v. Hodges link (https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.). It is sad how the world has tried to change and twist God’s plan for His Children. There is a story about two nurses in this reading that fall in love and decide to adopt 3 children. They adopt two boys and one girl. I feel like this is so unfair to those children. They won’t ever grow up with a father. How is the little boy supposed to look up to a grown man that he can be like one day? How will the little girls have an example of a strong man that they want to marry one day? How can two women raise a young boy that has a different body, and different gender-related struggles than what they’ve ever experienced? It is just so unfair to the children that are being raised like this. I am sure the two women are great moms, but the children are missing out on so much by not having a father.

Latter-Day Saints understand why marriage is the way it should be. We know that man and woman must be sealed in the temple in order to return to live in the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom. Because of The Family Proclamation, Latter-Day Saints also understand the different roles that men and women have. These roles are essential and crucial to children’s lives. When Latter-Day Saints argue about the way marriage should be, it isn’t because we are “hating on” those with different beliefs or because we don’t like gay/lesbian people. We are just standing up for our beliefs in what we know to be true. The world shouldn’t change what God has commanded.

Personally, one of the ways that I like to share the truths that I know about marriage, is through social media. I like to post a picture of my husband and I. Along with the picture, I will share a quote about marriage between a man and a woman, or about the importance of both genders in a marriage. Usually, this doesn’t cause any contention. I always hope that someone who needed to see that, saw my post and rethought about what they might believe about marriage.

Russel M Nelson said, “Male and female are created for what they can do and become, together. It takes a man and a woman to bring a child into the world. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary. Children deserve a chance to grow up with both a mom and a dad.” I really like this quote by President Nelson, because it very simply states the importance of a man and a woman in marriage.

                                    

Divorce and Children

Ever since I was young, I have felt that divorce was a really sad thing and I knew I didn’t ever want to have to deal with that. I didn’t want my parents to get divorced, and I wanted to marry carefully to make sure I wasn’t leading myself to a future divorce. When I was a child, I lived in Dallas, Texas. I went to an elementary school that had many children that came from divorced parents. Before I really understood what divorce was, the idea of my best friend’s parents living in two different homes, really confused me. Because I was so young, I didn’t really see much of a trend change from happily married parents to divorced parents. There were just always lots of kids with divorced parents. I do remember feeling so bad for all of my friends that had to live a life where they lived at a different house every other night. Later on, when I was in middle school, I remember teachers sending students home with papers for their parents to sign. The next day, if the student’s name wasn’t on the paper, the teacher had no idea who the parent signature belonged to. I went home one night and expressed my feelings to my mom. I remember telling her how sad I thought it was that most of my classmates didn’t even share the same last name as their parents.

In Amato’s article, he talked about how children in divorced families don’t have as strong of bonds with their parents as they could if their parents weren’t divorced. This stood out to me, because it made me realize that some children probably have a tendency to like one parent more than the other. One of the parents might be wealthier, one might have a bigger house, one might spoil them more, one might be less strict than the other, etc. Children should see their parents equally, and it is so sad that preferring one over the other is so normal. This past week actually, my aunt and uncle got a divorce. It has been so sad to see them go through this, especially for the sake of their children. One of the children absolutely hates the mother now, because she's the one that filed for a divorce and chose to leave the family. The child is terrified when she can hear the sound of her mother’s voice, and has nightmares about her mom coming to take her away. It is so sad to see the close relationship that they used to have, and how the separation and divorce destroyed a mother-daughter relationship. Our families are who we will be with forever in the eternities, and it is so important to establish loving, trusting, fun relationships with our family members.

President Kimball said, “…only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.” I think that one of the most important ways to preserve our families today, is through faith. Every family goes through trying times, and sometimes the easiest thing to do, might seem like the best thing to do at the time. If we have faith that we can make it through those hard times, we will be able to. The Lord won’t give us more than we can handle. It is extremely crucial in marriages to put God first. You and your spouse should grow closer together because you are growing closer to God. You shouldn’t grow closer to God because you are growing closer to your spouse. It is so important to remember this, even in the hard times. A family won’t be completely broken if the parents stay together. The parents are the glue to the family, and children need to know that their parents love and adore each other and want all of their children to return to live with Heavenly Father one day.

In regards to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and their feelings about divorce, they strongly discourage divorce if it is “just because” or if things just aren’t working out. They believe that there are situations where divorce might be necessary, but there are so many more reasons why the couple should be able to make marriage work. It is so important to marry the right person and listen to the spirit when you are deciding who to marry. It is better to completely prevent a possible divorce than to try and make it work before you are even married.

"The Family is ordained of God. Marriage between a man and a woman is essential to His eternal plan." ~ The Family: A Proclamation To The World. 

https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng&old=true