Friendship in Marriage

My husband and I have only been married a little over a year, and have known each other just over two years. If I was asked whether our marriage was more on the positive spectrum or the negative spectrum, the answer would definitely be on the positive spectrum. Since we have been married, we haven’t had any real serious arguments, but we also are still in school and don’t have any children yet, so I used to say that our lives were pretty simple and that must be why we don’t really fight or disagree about anything.

After reading Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I realized that having crazy busy lives, having children and having real jobs, isn’t what can be the cause for challenges in a marriage. There are so many simple things that can become deep rooted in a relationship and can ruin it. Gottman discusses the four horsemen. The first one is criticism. The second one is contempt. The third one is defensiveness, and the fourth one is stonewalling. Each of these reactions are things that can be seen occasionally in marriages, even healthy and happy ones. If these horsemen are present regularly though, the relationship is in trouble.

When my husband and I do disagree about something small (something like going to the store right now versus going tomorrow), we disagree positively. We listen to each other’s points of view on the topic and then we make a decision. After reading about the different horsemen and the potential reactions that a person could have for any given situation, I realized anyone, even married, childless, college students can have a rough marriage if they are going about their disagreements the wrong way.

Another thing that I found interesting about Gottman’s book, was his belief on friendships in marriages. Before I got married, I always wanted to be best friends with my future husband. I wanted to have this “guy best friend” for a while before we decided we liked each other and we would start dating, and then eventually marry. I wanted to be that couple that had such a solid friendship as the base of their relationship. In my mind, that was the only way that your spouse could be your best friend. Although this was a good intention/goal of mine, what I didn’t realize, was that I could still have that, even if my future husband wasn’t my best friend before we started dating.

As you and your spouse get to know each other, and as you spend time together, you do become best friends. When my husband and I were dating, we had to do several months of long distance. As hard as it was, I think it was the best thing for our relationship. We were forced to take out the romance of our relationship and just talk for several months. Because of this, we came to learn so much about each other and we became best friends at heart, and not just because we physically liked spending time together. I think that it is so important to have the friendship basis that Gottman mentions, because when all else fails, you will have a solid foundation of friendship in your relationship.