The Gospel and Marriage

In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard says, “It takes faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to remove evil from our marriages and bring them to vibrant life.” I really liked this quote because I am a firm believer of having a strong marriage only through faith in Christ and being covenant keepers. When I was a teenager, I would often make lists that stated what I wanted in my future spouse. I, of course, had things such as handsome, smart, good sense of humor, etc. I remember ALWAYS having two specific things at the top of every list though. I always listed first, that he had to love God the most, more than me, and that he had to be a worthy priesthood holder. These have always been priorities to me, and I am lucky enough to have found a man that fulfills everything on my teenage lists! It is so important to build a marriage on faith in Jesus Christ though. Through Christ, we can overcome anything, and there are a lot of challenges that come and go in marriages. It would be really hard to do marriage alone without the Savior’s help. Goddard also said, “We cannot have great marriages without His participation.” That is such a simple sentence, but it means so much!

I also really like the story that Goddard shared about Brigham Young. He said, “Brigham Young was once approached by two sisters, each of whom wanted a divorce. I paraphrase his response: ‘If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him.’ He said the same thing to husbands who had "fallen out of love" with their wives. Those are mighty words.” I immediately related to this short story. It reminded me of how I see my husband when we go to the temple together. When we got sealed an we were kneeling across the alter from each other, I remember thinking that my very soon to be husband looked even more handsome than I had ever seen him before. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew that there was something different. Several months later, my husband and I decided to go do sealings at the temple rather than a session. This opportunity allowed me to see him that same way that I did on our wedding day. Each time we go to the temple together and do sealings, I fall in love with him even more. I can see him as a covenant maker there. I see him as having the same eternal goals as me. I see him as being a worthy, faithful priesthood holder who loves God more than me.

To close, I also really liked this quote by Goddard. He says, “When we try to drag our partners to our view of the world, they kick, fight, and scream. When, in contrast, we invite our partners to gaze with us on truths of eternity, we are more likely to find common ground. When we choose to love and appreciate our partners in spite of our differences, we open the door to love.” This idea of “gazing into the eternities” is such a special thing, and I feel like because of my experience of how I saw my husband across the alter, I can say that I have seen that special, open door to love.

Serving your Spouse

I have always understood that fondness and admiration are important in a marriage, but I don’t think I realized just how important it actually is. Dr John M. Gottman talks about different ways to show your admiration to your spouse. In his book, he talks about how sometimes when he tells couples to tell each other what they love about each other, they respond by telling him that it’s “phony” to do that. This especially stood out to me because my husband is so cheesy to me all the time, but I absolutely love it! If he falls on the ice or even just loses his balance, he always says things like, “Oh! I’m falling for you babe!” I think it is so cute, and it’s constantly showing me how he feels about me. I think it is so interesting that some couples don’t want to be “phony” or “cheesy” in front of their spouse. I personally feel like your spouse sees your worst and your best, so why can’t you show them your silly and goofy side too?

I also really enjoyed reading a chapter from a book about marriage this week. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard says, “Many of us find it easier to minister to the stranger than to the family member. Unexpected service to the stranger is often warmly appreciated. Service to family is expected and often goes unappreciated.” I’ve noticed this in my own marriage. There have been several times when my husband hadn’t thanked me for something I’d done for him, or something that just needed to be done in general. At first, this really upset me, but I found that if I was better about expressing my gratitude to him, he was better about expressing his gratitude to me. This helped both of us become more grateful, and it made serving the other person easier.

I feel that gratitude and admiration go together because if we want to show our fondness and admiration to our spouse, we have to serve them. Serving someone is a way that you can show that you love them. I love it when my husband gets up earlier in the morning than he has to, because he wants to make me breakfast before I leave. This is definitely his way of serving me, but it also lets me know how much he loves me each and every day. The acts of service don’t always have to be big. The small things are what matter the most!

It's totally okay and super fun to be cheesy and goofy with your spouse! 

Friendship in Marriage

My husband and I have only been married a little over a year, and have known each other just over two years. If I was asked whether our marriage was more on the positive spectrum or the negative spectrum, the answer would definitely be on the positive spectrum. Since we have been married, we haven’t had any real serious arguments, but we also are still in school and don’t have any children yet, so I used to say that our lives were pretty simple and that must be why we don’t really fight or disagree about anything.

After reading Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I realized that having crazy busy lives, having children and having real jobs, isn’t what can be the cause for challenges in a marriage. There are so many simple things that can become deep rooted in a relationship and can ruin it. Gottman discusses the four horsemen. The first one is criticism. The second one is contempt. The third one is defensiveness, and the fourth one is stonewalling. Each of these reactions are things that can be seen occasionally in marriages, even healthy and happy ones. If these horsemen are present regularly though, the relationship is in trouble.

When my husband and I do disagree about something small (something like going to the store right now versus going tomorrow), we disagree positively. We listen to each other’s points of view on the topic and then we make a decision. After reading about the different horsemen and the potential reactions that a person could have for any given situation, I realized anyone, even married, childless, college students can have a rough marriage if they are going about their disagreements the wrong way.

Another thing that I found interesting about Gottman’s book, was his belief on friendships in marriages. Before I got married, I always wanted to be best friends with my future husband. I wanted to have this “guy best friend” for a while before we decided we liked each other and we would start dating, and then eventually marry. I wanted to be that couple that had such a solid friendship as the base of their relationship. In my mind, that was the only way that your spouse could be your best friend. Although this was a good intention/goal of mine, what I didn’t realize, was that I could still have that, even if my future husband wasn’t my best friend before we started dating.

As you and your spouse get to know each other, and as you spend time together, you do become best friends. When my husband and I were dating, we had to do several months of long distance. As hard as it was, I think it was the best thing for our relationship. We were forced to take out the romance of our relationship and just talk for several months. Because of this, we came to learn so much about each other and we became best friends at heart, and not just because we physically liked spending time together. I think that it is so important to have the friendship basis that Gottman mentions, because when all else fails, you will have a solid foundation of friendship in your relationship.

Covenant Marriages

In order to have a covenant marriage, I think that it is important to keep God and the gospel, the center of your marriage. Doing this includes many different things. It is important to regularly attend the temple as a couple. Attending the temple together helps you remember your covenants and to remember what the focus of life is. It is also so important to pray together, and read scriptures together. This helps a couple to come closer together through gaining greater understandings of the gospel. It also helps them to grow their testimonies together. It is crucial to put God first in your marriage. If you aren’t putting God as the focus, you aren’t living a covenant marriage.

Along with living having a gospel-centered relationship, it is so important for spouses to find good in each other and to praise each other. In his Ensign article titled “Covenant Marriage,” Elder Bruce C. Hafen talks about three wolves that test and threaten marriages. The first wolf is natural adversity. The second wolf is their own imperfections, and the third wolf is excessive individualism. I think that the second wolf is detrimental in today’s society. It is so easy to get down on yourself because you “aren’t enough.” Having a spouse that won’t ride the negative parade that is in your head, is so important. As most people do, I have had self-conscious issues. I have felt that I wasn’t pretty enough, or that I wasn’t good enough. I’ve felt like I could’ve done so much better at something. Although some of our doubts might be true sometimes, it doesn’t help to have someone negatively agree with you. My husband is SO good to me. When I am feeling down because I am feeling like I’m not enough, he tells me why he loves me so much and why I am enough in his eyes. He helps me understand that I shouldn’t be self-conscious. It is important to recognize your imperfections and do your best to improve, but don’t let them get in the way of your marriage.

 I feel like this wolf about imperfections is so important because it can control the other ones. Natural adversity is another hard thing to deal with, but if you don’t have confidence in yourself and if you don’t love yourself, you are going to have a hard time dealing with other trials that are out of your control (such as a family member dying, a miscarriage, etc.). I think that the second wolf also controls the third one about excessive individualism because it helps you understand more your relationship with yourself, your spouse, and those around you.

David A. Bednar says, “The man completes and perfects the woman and the woman completes and perfects the man as they learn from and mutually strengthen and bless each other.” Men and women can complete and perfect each other in so many ways, whether that is spiritually or emotionally. In marriages, it is important to support each other and be positive to each other. It is important to put God first in your marriages ALWAYS and to help keep each other on track.

This is my husband and I on our wedding day. We made covenants with God that day that allowed us to be sealed for time and all eternity!